she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
