clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
