evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
