You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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