May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
