Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
