I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
