you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
