you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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