Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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