Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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