I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
