Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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