just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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