the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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