I just pynch a tree in the face
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
