Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize