I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
