My Higher Power is John Stamos
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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