I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
