Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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