he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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