You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
