So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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