i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
