He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
