I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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