she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
