It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
