just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
