afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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