take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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