Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my being single is dangerous.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
