I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
