My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
