best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
