I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
