you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
