so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
