you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
