Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
