the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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