I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
