I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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