drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
