we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
