That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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