I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
