youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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