My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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