and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
