i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
