Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dignity is for republicans.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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