so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
