my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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