i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
