omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
