When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
