when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
