He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
