Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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