I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
